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There it comes again. The wave of uncertainty, the moment of reflection, the final summary, the good-bye’s and the closure.

Work has been finalized. Those who matter have been hugged. Now I only have this weekend left, fully booked with packing, dancing, a wedding and hopefully some sun and smiles.

And that’s it. Almost a year in this mesmerising country and I’m still just me.

Den mätta dagen, den är aldrig störst.
Den bästa dagen är en dag av törst.

Nog finns det mål och mening i vår färd –
men det är vägen, som är mödan värd.

Det bästa målet är en nattlång rast,
där elden tänds och brödet bryts i hast.

På ställen, där man sover blott en gång,
blir sömnen trygg och drömmen full av sång.

Bryt upp, bryt upp! Den nya dagen gryr.
Oändligt är vårt stora äventyr.


Karin Boye
I rörelse (1927)

The value of a stranger’s life

“This boy is a thief, they should just let him die.”

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We stopped the car when we suddenly saw a young man laying on his back in the middle of the highway. Thick, dark blood running out of the back of his skull, short jerking breaths, eyes flickering back and forth, body crooked into an unnatural position. The heat was unbearable, the sun was stinging.

There was a pickup truck on the side of the road, the men in the back were discussing, hesitating whether to stay or to leave. “He’s a thief, he jumped out! We are going to the police!” the men shouted as the car drove away.

We were left alone with a body we didn’t know anything about. There was a rope tied around the boy’s wrist, he had been tied up like an animal. He was wearing nothing but a pair of jeans shorts. His lips were dry and he had bad wounds all over his body. He looked younger now when we were closer, like a teenager, alive and awake, but not present. What happened here?

“We have to set up the warning triangles from the cars.” “We have to get the boy out of this sun, he is barely breathing.”

We brought umbrellas for shadow, a first aid kit, desinfection fluids. A person in our group was a doctor, the first thing he did was putting gloves on. “Of course.” I thought, running the HIV prevalence numbers in the province through my head while looking at my legs that were covered by small drops of blood. The boy was coughing and the wind was carrying the blood my way. “You have no open wounds there, Caroline. Focus.” I had bought a simcard from a differnt provider as I knew my normal number wouldn’t work out in the field. It was the only phone with reception and I called the only medical doctor in the entire district, I had saved the number in my phone just in case I would need it. The ambulance would be there in 30 minutes, at least. We were very far out in the middle of nowhere.

Curious people from the villages nearby stopped to have a look. The level of proactivity from their side was below zero. “Get two strong branches, we need to move the body.” We took our mosquito nets and secured them between the branches, building a stretcher. A person walked around desinfecting hands. I finally got that blood off my legs. The boy went into a seizure attack.

“Keep that head up, he is choking on his own tongue!” Basic things you learnt in school come back to you as the most obvious things ever. You forget that it’s not clear to everybody that a wounded person might need help breathing and keeping their airwars cleared. That a body and head that clearly has suffered from an impact shouldn’t be moved around too much. What was clear was that this young man had hit his head very hard against the paved road.

The men lifted the boy using the improvised stretcher and took him to the side of the road, into the shadow. The doctor was keeping the head in place as the boy had a seizure again. “This happens when things are starting to go really bad on the inside.” the doctor quietly explained in English. “I am not very hopeful about this one, this is all taking way too long.” The endless wait for the ambulance.

The people with the pickup truck came back. They told us that the boy had stolen some cows. The men had caught him and his three friends when they were on their way to the city to sell the cows, it was 11 cows. They had tied the boys up and were taking them to the police station when this one suddenly jumped out of the car. A man came, it was the boy’s uncle. “His name is Edmo, he is almost 20 years old.”

“Why don’t they just leave him here to die?” somebody in the group said in a local language. “Yeah, he is just a thief.” a person added. Our driver understood enough. “A judge can tell you if he is a thief, and a prison will punish him if it is true! Who are you to decide if a person is to live or not? You are responsible by leaving him here instead of taking him immediately to the health center – you are the one’s who will be judged for murder.” the men kept quiet. The ambulance wasn’t arriving. We shared the water we had with the villagers.

“This thing won’t open, it’s closed.” a man said, fumbling around clumsily with the lock at the back of the pickup truck. “I guess we have to just throw him in from above or something.” he stopped trying and waited for further instructions. I grabbed the rope holding the door closed and untied it, it was a very simple knot. “What do you mean it doesn’t open?!” I was so angry about the lack of proactivity that I was boiling on the inside. The men lifted the man into the back of the car. He sounded as if he wanted to scream out in pain but didn’t have energy or control enough to do so.

The pickup drove off. A dying boy, ten clueless men and an uncle. 45 minutes after the accident. We urgently needed to leave in the opposite direction.

“Are you sure they are taking him to the health centre now?” I was in doubt. “Yes, they are many and the uncle is there,” the driver answered. “If there were only four of them it could have been dangerous”.

The doctor called us later in the evening. The boy had made it to the health center but needed to be transported to the nearest city 100km away, as the local health centers don’t have enough capacity to take care of such serious cases. He died on the way there. Because he stole a cow. Because people chose not to save him. Because there was no ambulance close enough. Because this is Mozambique, one of the world’s poorest countries.

Dying branches and snow.

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Many trees in natural reserves die because of the elephants hurting them when eating off their stems. Beautifully dramatic branches and dark, mysterious landscapes are the result.

We saw a herd of cows while driving through Swaziland. They were on a big field – eating grass, hanging out and just being cows. And then there was one cow, walking all by itself on the side of the road. Far away from it’s cow buddies, way too close to the cars. Walking away, towards nowhere. I wanted to give it a hug.

It’s been quite intense lately and I’ve literally had people around me 24/7. My friends left today at 5am and I’m now properly alone for the first time since two weeks. Blocking everything out with Jamie Woon and Submotion Orchestra. Realizing that I’m in limbo again. Somewhere in between going home and staying here, somewhere in between loving the freedom and longing for my own apartment, sound system and couch, somewhere in between really enjoying what Maputo has to offer and feeling limited by the little city. If it only weren’t so cold where I’m going.. why does the world’s most safe, comfortable, eco-friendly, healthy, design aware, clean, equal and inclusive place have to be covered in snow and sad faces half of the year?

Constantly in search of knowledge, levels of understanding and experiences while enjoying every second of the learning process, I end up wanting and expecting more from people I am sharing my thoughts with. I branch out, hopping between the simplest of banalities to the most weird of theories, hoping for people to join me on my journey. Maputo is wonderful in the simplest of ways, but I’m missing made up theories, word play, long discussions and having my mind provoked.

I wish I had joined my friends to the palm trees, sunsets and beaches of my beloved Tofo for some proper contemplation. I want to listen to this music while staring into the sun.

Submotion Orchestra – Snow
Fragments (2012)

Injustice and fog

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Is it Thursday already? I obviously didn’t dance enough last weekend.

Tomorrow I’m moving to a new place. Leaving the kids that have become my siblings and their parents to live in a shared flat with a friend during my last two months here. It will be a good place to stay, but leaving the kids and the closest I have had to family life makes me very sad.

Work is exciting. Receiving a National Committee in the weekend and taking them on a field mission to Tete province on Monday. Everything is planned for, except the weather, there’s nothing we can do about the temperature that supposedly will be going up to 50 degrees Celsius. What does one even wear in weather like that?

Been thinking a lot about children lately, children and their options. Yesterday I thought about when we as 10 year olds would jump on our bikes and go far away to explore. Look at grasshoppers, buy fresh bread and a little plastic container of Nutella spread from the bakery, bike to the big water tower that looks like a UFO, find new playgrounds and little secret parks we didn’t know existed. The value of being able to be free, letting curiosity and fantasy show us new worlds and teach us things about ourselves we didn’t know, and about friendship.

There’s a 7 year old that spends a lot of time at a friend’s place here in Maputo. He watches TV for hours because it’s too dangerous for him to be outside playing after a certain hour. It’s not a safe neighbourhood and many of the kids could have a very bad influence on him. I frankly don’t know of any neighbourhood here in Maputo that actually could be considered safe for a 7 year old. But anyway, the boy sits there, and you can almost see him slowly melting away into that couch, bored but indifferent. I see a lot of children here that are just like that – indifferent and tired. Many of them hungry. Some smile while playing, and they are obviously having fun, but when they reach the limit of what is safe and possible, they have no further options. There are no places for them to run all that excessive energy off, no possibility to go beyond, strech realities, explore and let playfulness take over. All of this provided that they would have enough food in their bellies and energy in their bodies to do any of that. There are definitely no little secret parks anywhere nearby. Just a lot of indifference.

How many times have we not heard that children are sincere and happy with what they get, that children in poor countries have a better life because they can entertain themselves with a stick and a plastic bag instead of Playstation consoles? And sure, you do force innovation when there are no pre-fabricated toys available. But what is available? I can tell you what I’ve seen so far. Empty Coca Cola cans, broken bottles, car tires, garbage, pieces of wire. Stuff you can use to build a cool toy car and then burn to get a good fire and highly toxic fumes. I had a rat run over my feet the other day.

This is injustice in its simplest form. When there simply aren’t any options to sign your kid up for saxophone lessons, horseback riding or badminton if you’re not very rich, even if that might be the biggest dream and maybe hidden talent of the child. Right now in Sweden the kids are off from school for a week, we call it the autumn holiday and in sports and cultural centres all over my city there are free activities for children who would like to try out different things. I used to love that week. We would run around from place to place, meet new friends, sing karaoke, play badminton, talk about love in the girl-talk room, try out indoor climbing.. and one year I accidently found myself in a small dark room where some older kids from the card club taught me how to play the highly addictive cardgame bridge, luckily I forgot it after a week so it has had no further implications on my adult life.

So there’s all of that, and a thick, white fog in front of me that keeps me from seeing beyond 2 months from now. But it’s okay.

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Those thoughts built together, theories and little agreements, details spent hours and years discussing before reaching perfect and agreed upon conclusions. All those constructed convictions and values that once helped us define ourselves. Many of them are still valid, but living and working in their separate realities, transformed into two independent truths. We suddenly grew apart and I lost the person who once sparked my mental development, my best and most valued friend. You, your mind and your ability to understand will be missed and thought of, always.

I give you one hour of Portishead, the 1997 concert at Roseland in New York. It’s your day today.

British Airways, bacon and sunrise in London.

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Written at 8:15am

My friends in Johannesburg took me for a braai where we had great food, met nice people and where my lips got painted red by great South African wine.

Long journey + fur allergy + red wine -exhausted, I boarded the aircraft where I was seated between.. a teenage American missionary and a young Slovakian mother with a hyperactive 1 year old. There were no seats free anywhere else.

I know I could have used the opportunity to ask the kid a million questions about Christianity but I mainly focused on keeping the baby busy and listening to the wonders of Anouar Brahem on my iPod. I asked myself how long it will take until they remove the 1million ‘no smoking’ signs from airplanes. The girl with the baby said it probably was meant for Spanish people “because they smoke everywhere” which wasn’t what I meant at all by my question. So I kept thinking about random details I couldn’t discuss with my travel company, and trying to stay warm.

Because this British Airways flight proved to be the coldest flight I have ever been on. People were wearing hats, winter jackets and blankets over their heads. So I asked a steward if the aircon was broken. “No, a person fainted before.” he said and left. Gaaah.. so I went angry, annoying, demanding Caroline and walked over to another attendant, starting off with an African: “Hello mister, how are you doing?” quickly realizing that he found that completely irrelevant, and continuing to “I’m sorry, I don’t want to be rude, but this is the most unpleasant long distance flight I have ever been on.. Are you actually saying that an entire Boeing 747 has to suffer for 11 hours because of something that probably wasn’t even heat related and that surely won’t be affected by slightly more human conditions?” This man was much nicer and even turned that aircon knob a little. I still kept my jacket on though as the temperature never really got to human levels. I have said this before, I really lose it when I’m cold.

On the flight, I also finally watched “A single man” – a movie I have been listening to the Abel Korzeniowski composed soundtrack from for months. A very touching, real and beautiful movie, really. And watching it next to the missionary guy made it a little bit more fun, I really wish I had been in the mood to discuss homosexuality with him.

London offered a beautiful sunrise and I switched to my Angolan and Mozambican playlist. I am already feeling nostalgic about Africa, and I am still not realizing that I will be seeing my mother soon. Maybe because I’m spending a night in Copenhagen first and don’t want to spoil that by looking forward to what comes next. Or maybe because this was all decided so suddenly and being busy at work hasn’t allowed me to connect emotionally to the fact. Or maybe because I’m tired and everything seems to be working against me now, I’m generally just really hoping I will get my bag.

Another British Airways flight now, London to Copenhagen.
I know I’m in Europe as the 12 year old Danish girl has a little infobox about “how to masturbate better!” in her youth magazine. Just got a bread roll with a piece of extremely slobby bacon in it and became vegetarian in a split second. Got a mini bread packed with wet cheese instead. Most people just gave the thing back when the stewardess came to collect the trash. I can’t believe I will be flying with this airline on my way back.

If I was a falphin

That’s just some nonsense that I wrote when I had just come back from Ihla Grande. I went there in 2008 for only two days with a friend I had just met in Rio. The island, just off the coast from the city, proved to be a paradise. An absolutely stunning place.

But the best part of our brief stay at Ihla Grande weren’t the never ending white beaches, the colourful fish, the crystal clear water, or the wild monkeys in the jungle. It was the evening, when we sat in a room in a guest house where we seemed to be the only guests. We were playing mind games and “what would you choose, if you really had to choose?” games until we got stuck on animals, and on deciding whether it would be more great to be a dolphin or a falcon. The debate literally took us hours. Until we finally agreed on the fact that a falphin probably is the best animal one could be.

Happy falphin birthday, Nishant.

Note

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I got this note for my birthday in 2007, one of many birthdays to come that I would be celebrating abroad, far from my closest one’s. I had been living and studying in Warsaw for only four months at that point, but I had already met beautiful people that I stay in touch with until today.

The note is a kind of Carpe Diem shout out in Polish telling me to “Take what’s best from life!”. It’s simple and straightforward, and it was given to me at a point in life when I was still in the phase of dreaming big and not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life.

Five and a half years later, I still keep the note in my wallet. Not to be reminded to take what’s best from life – but to be reminded about the years that have passed and that I actually have been doing so since. And that good friends can be found at any time and any place.

Okay, that’s all for today’s cheesy feel-good entry, I can’t take myself seriously anymore. Haha, have a great Sunday!

Ser valiente y aprender

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Our fridge in Barcelona once got crowned by an improvised poem by dearest Carmen from Venezuela.

I don’t know why, but the fridge poetry somehow triggers my thoughts about having my own place. A place to live in, own, and decorate. First of all, I would invest in a good sound system, because sound is number one. And I would get an LP player, because there really is something about vinyl. I would make sure all my gadgets were interconnected and I would finally hang up that huge, beautiful hammock I once bought in Bolivia. I would buy strange art and expensive shampoo and spoil myself with things one just can’t prioritize when living somewhere only for a short period of time. I would get many more of those huge tea cups I love, and stock up with many kinds of nice tea. And then I would always, always have a place for friends to come and visit. For a cup of tea, or for staying an entire month. Porque la vida es dar y recibir. And you know I love you tons.


Writing this made me dream about the discs I would want to have on LP. The first one’s that came to my mind were Moon Safari by Air, Kind of Blue by Miles Davis and Little Girl Blue by Nina Simone. I would try to get hold of Hurry up, We’re Dreaming by M83, and I would of course get Purple Rain by Prince, just because that show still beats all concerts I have ever been to.